Crabby
by lexxie r
Summary: Gabrielle/Joxer songfic that was the result of too many Disney movies. Pure fluff. Winner of the 2001 Golden Quill Award for Best Crossover.


DISCLAIMER: Don't own Xena and I don't own Disney.   
SEX/VIOLENCE/LANGUAGE: Squeaky clean. Must've been something I ate.  
PAIRING: _ GABBY AND JOXER!!!!_   
A/N: This is pure silliness, but what the hey. At least the dry spell's over.   
  
***  
  
** CRABBY**, by Lexxie  
  
***  
  
Aphrodite stared suspiciously at the small red creature. It lay still, seemingly unconscious, in the cage which her son was proudly dangling before her face. Wrinkling her nose in confusion, the blonde goddess' eyes made a circuit from her eagerly grinning son, to the cage, then to her son again.  
  
"Uh...right. You're totally gonna have to explain this one to me, Cupie," she finally said in defeat.  
  
Cupid rolled his eyes in response. "It's a _ crab_, Mom," he said patiently.  
  
Aphrodite narrowed her eyes at her son. "Well, duh," she retorted. "I'm all good in the sight department, you know."   
  
She returned her doubtful gaze back to the crustacean in question. It continued to doze happily in its small prison, unaware of the blonde's scrutiny. "What I wanna know is why you interrupted my manicure to show me your grody new pet."   
  
The godling shrugged his tanned shoulders. "I thought you wanted some help with Gabrielle and Joxer."  
  
"So you're gonna feed them a crab?" Aphrodite asked incredulously. "Babe, I was thinking more along the lines of a love arrow, not seafood."   
  
Cupid cocked his head. "Think about it, Mom. Do you really want me to shoot them with an arrow? Gabrielle's been hit by one before; she'll know that we're in on this once she starts to want to jump the guy."  
  
"Well if you hit her hard enough, she'll be too busy with my little honey-bun to care," Aphrodite countered with an impish gleam in her eyes.  
  
Cupid sighed inaudibly before deciding to try another tactic. "But the arrow-bit — it's totally last millennia. I'm tellin' you, people are gonna think you're losing your style," he said sagely.   
  
The blonde goddess just shrugged daintily. "So? Let 'em. _ They're_ the ones who won't be gettin' any."  
  
Her son slowly raised his eyes to the pink-tiled ceiling before settling his gaze back on his mother. "Okay — no." Sighing, he said, "Look, Mom. Point is... is that what you really want for those two? Shoot 'em senseless, bada bing-bada boom, then suddenly they're picking china patterns? I thought you said you wanted this to be the real thing."  
  
"Well, yeah, that's what I want," Aphrodite said, pouting defensively. "I'm all for _ true_ love. I mean, I _ perfected_ the art. But those two — they're totally not cooperating with me, Cupie. At the rate they're going, they'll be chillin' in an old warrior's home before they finally figure it out."   
  
She sighed helplessly, shoulders sagging. "Just thought we could give 'em a push, you know?"  
  
Cupid nodded in understanding. "Oh, I _ so_ know. I wanna set them up as much as you," he assured his mother. "But first let's try it without all the pointy projectiles, okay? Couldn't hurt, right?"  
  
Aphrodite planted her hands on her hips and silently stared at her son, as if trying to read him. The silence seemed to echo against the temple's marble walls and stretched on for so long that Cupid began to shuffle his feet uneasily. He had just about given up hope for his mother's approval when she said, "So wha'd you have in mind?"  
  
A relieved smile crossed Cupid's bronzed face. "Well. That's where _ he_—" he gestured to the cage in his hand "—comes in."  
  
Aphrodite followed her son's gaze. "The crab," she said slowly.  
  
"Yup," Cupid said with a broad, proud smile.  
  
"The crab is gonna help us hook them up?"   
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
Aphrodite arched an elegant eyebrow at him. "Why? Were the squid booked solid?"   
  
Cupid raised his chin at her and said loftily, "_ Sebastian_ is no ordinary crab. He's on loan from Uncle Poseidon. It just so happens that he is very talented in the realm of—"  
  
"Whoa, whoa," Aphrodite interjected. Pointing to the cage her son was holding, she in a low voice, "I think we woke him up."  
  
Sure enough, the small scarlet creature was stirring drowsily in his cage. It slowly stretched its hard body, elbows popping audibly as it leisurely stretched its pincers to the sky. Shaking its head as if clearing the cobwebs from its brain, the crab sleepily smacked his mouth open and...   
  
"Dat is de last time I take dat fish out for a drink," he murmured audibly.  
  
Aphrodite's eyes widened into blue saucers. In one quick leap, she lunged behind her throne. Pointing a shaky finger at the crab, she croaked, "It talks?!?!"  
  
"Yup," Cupid said with a proud smile. "Cool, huh?"  
  
"What de—" Sebastian uttered, for the first time noting the steel bars surrounding him and the two humans — one, looking shocked, and the other, looking strangely smug.  
  
"Jumping jellyfish!" he hoarsely croaked. "Humans! With legs!" Whipping his head around, he quickly took in the decidedly dry setting of Aphrodite's temple.   
  
"Great Triton! Why do dese things always happen to _ me_!" he groaned as he nervously eyed Cupid.  
  
"Complain later, little guy," Cupid said jovially, grinning at him through the bars of the cage. "For now, just warm up those vocal chords."   
  
Looking back at Aphrodite who had cautiously crept out from behind the massive throne, he added mischievously, "Dunno about you, Mom, but I think Gabrielle and Joxer are in need of a little musical interlude."   
  
***  
  
"Xena, I still think I should go with you."  
  
The tall warrior impatiently flung her long hair over her shoulder and fixed the blonde before her with a firm stare.   
  
"Gabrielle, for the last time. I am not dragging you into this," she said firmly, glaring at her friend through the night's darkness.   
  
"What makes you sure you can trust him!" the bard questioned. "I mean, I should at least be there for you. You know — watch your back. He might try something."  
  
"Gabrielle, this is Ares," Xena interrupted, her voice hard and flat. "I _ know_ he's gonna try something. All the more reason for you to stay here," she finished curtly as she busied herself with adjusting Argo's saddle.  
  
"But what if—"  
  
A raised finger stilled her protest. In a low voice, Xena said, "I'll be fine." When she saw the bard's doubtful eyes, she added wryly, "I know what I'm getting myself into and I know how he works. Don't worry about this. I'll be back soon." A small smirk formed on her lips as she added, "Besides. You've still got Joxer to keep you company."   
  
Gabrielle snorted and followed Xena's gaze to their darkened campsite. A few paces away, the familiar metal-bedecked figure of Joxer was hunched over a pile of sticks, hands and shoulders working furiously as he tried to ignite a fire. She watched as he diligently rubbed two thin twigs together, shoulders shaking with the effort. The repetitive jerking motion promptly caused him to topple over with a loud clang. He winced, oblivious to her stare, rubbed his rump, then took up the sticks again.  
  
The blonde rolled her eyes then turned back to her friend who was just mounting her horse. Placing her hands on her hips, she narrowed her eyes. "After all I've said, you still insist on waltzing straight into the lion's den?" she asked, only partly surprised.   
  
"Yep," Xena answered shortly.   
  
"Have you always been this pigheaded?"  
  
Gabrielle saw the inevitable half-smirk resurface on Xena's face. "Part of my charm," the warrior answered, deadpan.  
  
Gabrielle threw her hands up in exasperation. "You know, one of these days, you're gonna listen to me," she proclaimed with a determined set of her shoulders.  
  
Xena merely raised a good-humored eyebrow at her. "Well. Let's pray it won't be any time soon."  
  
"Funny warrior, aren't we?" Gabrielle muttered. In a louder voice, she said, "Just do me a favor and be careful, okay?"  
  
From her place on Argo, Xena smiled as reassuringly as she could. "Aren't I always? Just do _ me_ a favor and try not to kill each other while I'm gone."  
  
Gabrielle shook her head at the stubborn woman and moved aside as horse and rider made their way past her. She watched her dark friend throw a final wave over her shoulder before galloping off into the darkness.   
  
"Ha-ha! Fire! Gabby, look!"   
  
Gabrielle sighed then turned on her heel to look at her jubilant companion. "Hmm?"  
  
Proudly, Joxer struck a pose beside the meekly flickering fire he had just ignited. The smile on his face nearly seemed to push the flaps of his helmet further from his face.   
  
Gabrielle smiled softly in answer before nodding briskly. "Good. We'll be warm tonight, at least."   
  
Silently, she sauntered over to the small fire and sat down beside him. Pursing her lips, she stared deeply into the leaping orange flames.   
  
Joxer noted her silence and cleared his throat. "So...Xena's gone off to see what Ares is up to, huh?"  
  
A sudden string of muttered words met his comment.   
  
Joxer gulped, but nervously forged ahead. "She, uh — she wouldn't let you come with her?"  
  
"No," Gabrielle bit off. "Headed right for trouble, and she won't let me help her. Stubborn, hardheaded warrior freak," she grumbled.  
  
"Well, what makes you think he's gonna give her trouble?" Joxer asked.  
  
Gabrielle lifted her eyes to stare at him incredulously. "You _ have_ met Ares, haven't you? War God, Ares? Tall, dark, lots of leather? Perpetually pompous, king of all that is dirty and deadly?"  
  
Joxer hastily raised his hands in defense. "Yeah, okay, okay, I get your point. Ares bad. Xena meek, helpless lamb."  
  
"Joxer, that's not what I said," Gabrielle sighed.  
  
"Well, you're always treating her like she's never picked up a sword before," he countered. "I mean, she's always played him. Hasn't lost a limb yet."  
  
"But Ares is smarter than that," Gabrielle insisted. "Each time he comes up with something better, something closer to home, and it just gets harder. I just worry that Xena takes that for granted. One day he'll try to trick her, and she'll fall for it."  
  
Joxer shrugged. "See, that's my point. Why do you always think it's a trick?"  
  
Gabrielle snuck a sideways look at him. "Well, you tell me, Joxer. What else do you think it could be?"  
  
Deep brown eyes looked confusedly around for a moment before he stammered, "Well...you know. A guy doesn't always have to be after something. Maybe — maybe he just wants to talk."   
  
Gabrielle blinked once before closing her eyes and shaking her head. "Sure. Right. Whatever you say, Joxer."   
  
A moment passed and Joxer opened his mouth as if to say something. Gabrielle raised her hand to stop him. "Look, Joxer, let's just drop this, okay? I'm tired."  
  
"Fine. Fine. It's dropped, already." Disappointed and hurt, Joxer brought his knees up to his chest and fixed his frown on the fire.   
  
The two sulked beside each other, the air around them silent except for the crackle of the flames. Joxer's thoughts were a warring jumble as frustration and hope fought in the pit of his stomach.   
  
*Come on, moron!* he chided himself. *Make your move.*  
  
Summoning his courage, he lifted his hand as if to place it on the bard's shoulder. Slowly, his hand crept up until it was inches from her skin, but as realization of what he was about to do hit him, he jerked his hand away and pathetically scratched his cheek instead.   
  
Inwardly, he sighed. *Coward.*  
  
He returned his dark stare to the campfire, the empty feeling of failure eating at him as the silence thickened.  
  
Moments passed when suddenly, the faint beat of a melody fell upon his ears. Startled, he threw a quick glance at Gabrielle and was puzzled when she seemed oblivious, the fire holding her steady, troubled gaze.   
  
*Well, that's great,* he thought, exasperated. *So now I'm hearing things.*   
  
But...there it was again, the sound clear, the beat quietly soothing, the words whispered into his ear.  
  
_ Dere you see her, sittin' dere across de way. She don't got a lot to say, but dere's somethin' about her.  
  
_Joxer almost snorted aloud. *You got that right, buddy.* Sneaking a glance at Gabrielle, he felt his breath catch. The fire glimmered off her pale skin and caught her golden hair. In the darkness of the night, she almost glowed.  
  
_ An' you don't know why but you're dyin' to try. You wanna kiss de girl.  
  
_*Hey! How'd you know — wait a minute. Joxer...who're you talking to?* Surreptitiously, he glanced around at the woods around him. His searching gaze was answered only by a faint chorus of chirping crickets. Seeing no one, his brows drew in confusion.  
  
_ Yes, you want her. Look at her, you know you do.  
  
_Somehow, the strangeness of the situation did not alarm him. Instead, his eyes grew wistful as his gaze returned to the woman beside him. *Course, I know. I've known for the longest time...*   
  
_ Possible she wants you too. Dere is one way to ask her.  
  
_He raised his head at the curious words. *If at first you don't succeed...* Feeling a gush of bravery, he opened his mouth expectantly and turned toward her. But when her moonlight-softened face came into view, the spark of feeling dashed away and he clamped his mouth shut, the words dead on his lips.  
  
_ It don't take a word, not a single word. Go on an' kiss de girl._   
  
Joxer's back jerked painfully as he started at the words. *Yeah, right. Or, I could offer myself to a hydra for breakfast.*  
  
_ Sha la la la la la, my oh my. Look like de boy too shy. Ain't gonna kiss de girl.  
  
_*Not shy. Try hopeless.*  
  
_ Sha la la la la la, ain't dat sad? Ain't it a shame?  
Too bad, he gonna miss de girl.  
  
_Resignedly, he looked off into the campfire, the bright color stinging his sorrowful eyes. *I'm not that lucky, whoever you are. You can't miss what you've never had.*  
  
_ Now's your moment. Floating in a blue lagoon.  
  
_*Blue what?!?!*  
  
_ Boy you better do it soon. No time will be better.  
  
_*Same thing I thought yesterday, and last week, and the week before that...*  
  
_ She don't say a word, and she won't say a word until you kiss de girl.  
  
_*I'll be lucky if I get that much...*  
  
_ Sha la la la la la, don't be scared. You got de mood prepared. Go on an' kiss de girl.  
  
_*I've tagged along and fallen on my face, my bum, my ego...*  
  
_ Sha la la la la la, don't stop now, don't try to hide it how you wanna kiss de girl.  
  
_*I've let her use me as her punching bag...*  
  
_ Sha la la la la la, float along an' listen to de song.  
De song say kiss de girl.  
  
_*Played the helpless fool...*  
  
_ Sha la la la la, let de music play. Do what the music say. You gotta kiss de girl.  
  
_*Just another idiot to her...*  
  
_ You wanna kiss de girl.  
  
_*And still, her eyes are the world to me...her voice is my prayer...* Lost in the words that rang through his mind, he faced her fully, eyes transfixed on her face even as hers stayed glued to the fire.   
  
_ You gotta kiss de girl.  
  
_*And what else have I got left to lose?* He felt his body move of its own volition toward her, drawn like a moth to this unseeing, infuriating, naive flame. Slowly, closer, closer still until his lips were just a hairsbreadth from her cheek.  
  
_ Go on an' kiss de girl...  
  
_*To Tartarus with it...*  
  
Without warning, Gabrielle suddenly turned her face toward his, an apologetic expression on her face. "Joxer, I'm sor—"   
  
Her words were muffled as her abrupt movement caused his lips to clumsily collide with hers. Surprised, she stiffened before she hastily arched away. Eyes wide and confused, she stared at his furiously blushing face.  
  
"Joxer, what—"  
  
"Sorry! Uh, sorry...you, uh — there was something on your cheek," he stammered, hands wringing themselves into a frenzy. "I was just...I mean, I was going to — to brush it off. Yeah. It's, um...it's gone now. See?" He lifted his hand as if it was wooden and swiped it once across her cheek. "All gone. Erm...yeah."  
  
Gabrielle looked at him, her face quiet and inscrutable. "Joxer," she began.  
  
"Yeah. Um...you know what?" he said hastily, jerking to his knees and diving into his pelt across the fire. "I'm really kinda tired too, so...you know. I'm just gonna — go to bed here."  
  
"Joxer."  
  
"And...er, before you start thinking — you know. I mean, I'm really sorry about that...over there...with the lips. I was just — I mean, there was stuff on your cheek," he finished lamely as he tried to disappear within the warm folds of the fur.  
  
"Joxer."   
  
"Yeah?" He refused to meet her eyes, but trained his gaze on the craggy, broken grass beneath him. He waited for the harsh words to spill from her and break him. He heard her light footsteps as she approached him and he bit his lip.  
  
He was unprepared for the gentle hand on his cheek. Slowly, Gabrielle turned his face so that she was looking directly at him. With a nervous flutter, Joxer drank in the soft, imperceptible smile gracing her pale face.   
  
Gabrielle cocked her head, an odd warmth pulsing through her chest as she gazed quietly at him. *One of these days, we're gonna talk, you and I,* she thought fondly.  
  
Aloud, she merely said, "Have a good night, Joxer." And in a move that surprised herself, albeit pleasantly, she leaned forward and briefly brushed her lips against his flushed forehead. Rising quickly, she retreated to other side of the fire, finding refuge in her own thick pelt.  
  
Joxer lay still, the sensation of silken lips skimming his skin freezing him to the spot. A slow, goofy grin soon took over his expression of wonderment.   
  
"You too, Gabby."  
  
***  
  
"Dude!" Aphrodite exclaimed. "That's _ it_? A peck? I thought you were a _ cool_ crab," she said accusingly to Sebastian, who had returned to his cage after his serenade.   
  
"Madame, I only said dat I am a _ musical_ crab," he said defensively, pointing to himself with a red pincer. "I merely sing to dem. What dey do on deir own time is deir business."   
  
Cupid watched the exchange and now stepped forward, taking up the cage. "Little dude's right, Mom."  
  
"Ugh! All that trouble for some chaste little kiss. It wasn't even tongues!" Aphrodite fumed, delicately clenching her hands. "That is _ so_ it. Next time I visit Poseidon, you better _ pray_ I'm not hungry," she said threateningly to a cowering crab.  
  
She screwed her eyes shut and took a deep breath. In moments, the angry flush which had infused her cheeks faded. Opening her eyes, she said prissily, "And now, if you'll excuse me...I have a manicure to finish." With that, the goddess disappeared in a pink puff of smoke.   
  
A moment of silence passed in the temple between the godling and the crab. Sebastian broke it with a throat clearing cough. "Is she always so...so..."  
  
"Obsessed with her work?" Cupid finished. He gazed fondly at the space which Aphrodite had previously occupied. "Yup. That's my mom."  
  
Sebastian looked at him in silence before nodding his huge head. "Eh...yes. Now, den. I do believe you promised to return me back to de ocean after I did dis little favor for you?"  
  
Cupid raised the cage to his eyes so that he was staring directly at the expectant crab. His eyes glinted mischievously, and Sebastian grew uncomfortable.   
  
"Not just yet," Cupid drawled. "I know another couple that could use a good kick in the pants..."  
  
FIN  



End file.
